A Simples Life: My Life and Times Read online

  THE opening scene from The Streets of Ambitiousness . The old crone you see in middle bottom of picture was typical market sight. They would spend lot of time muttering and building voodoo fires.

  PART The 4

  ME

  HERE I am looking magnificence in movie film The Journey of Courageousness . I kept the robes for use as pyjamas.

  FROM early age I showed artist ability. This is drawing I made of me with my Mama and Papa at Red Square.

  CHAPTER The 10

  Early Days

  THE night I am being born there was thunderings and lightnings in the sky. Was this because of warm front coming in from Ukraine? Or was it because the universe was sense something importants was occurring in the history of meerkats?

  Whatever the case, I was for definites a specials pup. My Russian was fluented by age two and I could count up to a hundred grubs by age three. I had read War and Peaces by age seven and by nine I had written an epic novel entitle The Enormous Adventures of Aleksandr the Adventurer. My Mama and Papa were delight with little Aleksandr Orlov.

  They sent me to school at Madame Meerstropovich’s Academy for Talented Meerkats, which was full of the offsprings of the important families and was finest school in Russia. I was advance for my year and showed early sign of entrepreneuriousness with my ‘Homework Done In Exchange For Tasty Food Things’ business (it sound better in Russian). Very reasonable rates. 3 quadrilateral equations = 4 caramelised cockroaches; 2 geometry exercises = 10 sugared ants; essay on causes of the Meerkat/Mongoose wars = 1 scorpion. I think I am like the young Sugar Alan only nicer to look at.

  At this time Papa was having great successes with meerkat comparing business. He had many shops (though he mostly work in flagship shop in Petrova Street) and once a month I was allowed to sit on counter and watch Papa do comparings. His loyal assistant Stanislav would teach me the comparisons, and I would hide his spectacles for pranks.

  MY Mama and Papa pose for a classy classical-style photograph.

  At school, I was showing skills for the amateur dramatics. When I was 15 year old, I made production of the play Uncle Vanya but with a car chase at the end which I wrote myself.

  I was also talent at the sport. I learned the fencing, how to wield a golf stick, and to do the archery. I didn’t take after my Papa and put on the box gloves because a lot of peoples say my snout is my best feature and it would be shame for damage it.

  I made production of the play Uncle Vanya but with a car chase at the end which I wrote myself.

  But mostly I love the burrow-sleighing.

  Burrow-sleighing start when meerkats live in burrows and not mansions. We sit on sleigh and zoom through tunnels at danger speeds. It is very excite and skilful and I was captain of our school team, the Meerstropovich Blurs (we are blur because we are so speed). We make mince-millipede of every other school in the district.

  When I was last year of school, the Meerstropovich Blurs got to finals of Russian National Burrow Sleighing Championships. Very big day. We travel to Moscow to take on the Mongoose Sleighers.

  Before we start I give the team a speech of rousingness, just like Great Granddaddy Vitaly had done all those years ago. “Stiff your haunches, put on your britches!” I cry. They all become very roused.

  Was tense race. Mongooses very fat and heavy, as well as smelly, so they go fast. But we are more nimbly, and we go faster!

  My Mama and Papa say they are never prouder than when Aleksandr win Burrow-Sleigh National Championships Trophy.

  Mongooses very fat and heavy, as well as smelly, so they go fast. But we are more nimbly, and we go faster!

  HERE I am cross the line in first place with my burrow-sleigh team ‘The Blurs’. It was amaze feeling to have the wind in our fur and glory in our paw.

  THIS is school song. Madame Meerstropovich’s Academy for Talented Meerkats was very big on fur care. School motto translate as ‘Bravely and Furrily into the Future’.

  CHAPTER The 11

  Growing Up

  EVERYONE know last day of school is emotionals. Very sad to sing the school song for last time (our school song, “Forever Furry”, always leaves a tear in the eyes) and to say goodbye to people you will never see again until the Facebook is invented.

  I had been very good during my schoolings but I am a little rebelling when I leave. Papa want me to go to the State University of Russia to study the Business Managements, but I am thinking that I would try my hand at singing. Everyone say my renditions of the song ‘I Will Survive’ is better than the Glorious Gaynor, plus I could do all the moves to the song Y.M.C.A, which is not as easy as it look.

  THIS bring back fondful memories. I do not go to the reunions though because it make me feel old.

  I have many idea for film, mostly they are about me.

  Papa is understanding of this, and even buys me a very sharp white suit for help me conquer music world. He is best Papa a meerkat could imagine.

  So with suit on and whiskers waxed, I went out for auditions. (Whisker waxing is not so populars now – like flare trousers and communism.) I would always sing same song: ‘Are You Think I Am Sexy?’ It was a big chart hit at the time and also very thought-provoking I thought.

  However, I was not meet with success. Many record executives are not too smart and would not recognise an exciting mix of talents and sexiness if it came along and introduced itself politely. So I left frustratedly.

  Next I went into the movie industry – I am great for producers because they get writer, director and star actor all in one packagement. I have many good idea for film but they are bit ahead of the times. (One of my ideas would later become main plot for Back to the Future III.)

  To keep afloating I do works as ‘extra’. (I can be seen for nearly six seconds in the final battle in Nicholas and Anastasia Part 2.) But it did not make most of my talents.

  I am successful moviekat actor, writer and director, and my snack breaks are as long as I want them.

  Eventuals, I was sack as extra after striking for longer snack breaks. (They are laugh on other side of their cheeks now because I am successful moviekat actor, writer and director, and my snack breaks are as long as I want them.)

  Then just as I think I will go into politics something terribles happened.

  I got message that Papa is waking up with very bad headache. His headache got worse and worse and one day he collapse in middle of comparing Salonkat with Painterkat. The doctor was gloomy and say it all go back to his boxing days and there is not much he can do.

  I go straight home and sit with my Papa. We talk all night about his life and told lots of rude jokes about mongooses.

  By morning, it is all over. The curtain has come down on my Papa’s life.

  THIS is publicity shot I had done for promote my music career. I have 4,000 prints in box in attic.

  I put these press advertisements in local magazines. I am still backing Betamax.

  CHAPTER The 12

  Success (and also Sergei)

  AND so begin my commitment to the family business. After Papa’s death I was very sad and spent much time comforting Mama Anton who is, obviousness, very distraughts. I promised her that I would knuckle up, put my ear to the grindstone and be the winner of bread. (I learnt my English well, so I had all the right expressions at the tip of my lips.)

  With help from Papa’s loyal assistant Stanislav, I learnt the business of meerkat comparison during the day, and went to business school in the night-times. It play havocs for my beauty sleeps.

  When I was ready I made tour of all the comparethemeerkat.shops in Moscow. I decide that business must be more twentieth-century, so I install hi-tech Betamax tele-projectors for better comparing. This was prove very popular for a little bit.

  Soon Stanislav is ready for retire. He knew I needed some help so he suggest I work with his nephew. Stanislav’s nephew was Chief Designer of the Mir(kat) Space Program, but was having to leave his job because he fake a moon landing. So I invite him for chat.<
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  SERGEI was award a medal for beating the NASAkats to moon landing. But they took it away when they find out he fake it up in his garage.

  THIS is Russian Mir(kat) Space Program mug Sergei keeps on his desk. It is why his tea taste of sadness.

  One day, there was a knock on the bell. Full of shyness, a grey bespectacled meerkat walked into the shop. (I think you know who this is.)

  Sergei introduced himself and we sat down to talk over a pepperfly tea. He told me all about his life which was not very interesting, but he also tell of new video inventions which would mean we could show comparing meerkats to people at home on their computermabobs.

  This was very excite, and I could see new technology would invigorise my business. So I make momentous decision and ask Sergei to become my official Information Technology (‘IT’ for short) manager. I settle him down in small office at the back of the storeroom, buy him an enormous brand new computamabob with lots of buttons and a daisy-wheel printer and he is very thankful.

  Some weeks later he has ‘uploaded’ three meerkats ‘online’. When I look at screen I see vision of future. It is coming slowly, but it is the beginning of the business you know and love today.

  PART The 5

  MY LIFE TODAY

  HERE is Sergei and I on set while shooting

  The Journey of Courageousness . Sergei lost 3 claws in the ‘clap-board’ that day.

  HERE is Sergei and I in our first advertisement together. He was moulting a lot from nervousness.

  CHAPTER The 13

  Me on Screen

  AFTER a few more month, Sergei has finished putting all the paintings on the computermabob. It is long process and often the servermabob breaks down.

  But finally we are ready to ‘launch’ our ‘website’ on the ‘internets’. Is all very excite when I press button for first time. Unfortunate, there was power cut at exact same moment, and we lost all the pictures. Sergei had to start all over again. It was very stressful for Sergei; he thinks this was when his problems with the worms start.

  When we finally have lift-off (this is Sergei’s space background speaking) it is as good as I had expect. The site is looking very professionals and soon we have many peoples coming to the site and say this is best meerkat comparing they have ever seen.

  After a year or two we are totally dominate the market. Everyone agrees there is no competition. Then disaster struck. (Again.)

  One day Sergei come into my office (where I am having relaxing whirly-bath) looking panty and full of sweat. It was not a pretty sight. He tell me that he is having interferences on our website with people who are asking questions about the sport-back coupés and the ten-year-old estates. This is dreadfuls. And puzzlings.

  When I inspect screen in IT department it is true. There are all these mongoose brains who are confusing ‘comparethemeerkat.com’ with ‘compare the market.com’. This is terrible threat to my business. And terrible insult to my ancestors.

  So I decide that I must teach these mongoose brains out there to know the difference between the two. They don’ t even sound the same! (And that becomes one of my first messages on the televisionmabob.)

  SERGEI is in love with computermabobs. This one is vintage Soviet.

  CHAPTER The 14

  Making of the Movies

  EVEN though I have many educational advertisements on television, some peoples still confused. That is why I decided to up the ants and make thrilling and tender sixty-second epic movie films of my ancestors’story: the courageousness journey from Kalahari to Russia; the fearlessness battle against evil mongooses; and the ambitiousness building of a business empire. You have already been amazed by shots from these movie films in first half of this book.

  Casting for films was simples. Obviously there was only one meerkat who could play leading role (and it was not going to be Sergei!). I do not want toot my horn, but I think I have set new standard of acting and should have clean sweep at the Oskats next year.

  For director, I chose myself also. Telling peoples what to do is one of my favourite hobbies, so job come naturals. I was fortunate to work with such a talented actor as myself, but directing Sergei was like trying to direct a blob of cheese. He is good at computermabob, but cannot act his way out of paper hat.

  Telling peoples what to do is one of my favourite hobbies, so job come naturals.

  In first film, The Journey of Courageousness, we film escape from Kalahari Desert. I am method actor, so to get into character for desert scene I practise by lying on beach.

  When we were on location in Kalahari, limo would often get stuck in sand dune and Sergei would have to dig out. He said I should never have brought limo to desert in first place, but where else was I supposed to chill my beetle juice liqueur?

  Many peoples ask me what is my favourite film. Is easy: Titanic, because it is best film ever made. My favourite line in movie is: “Jack, I want you to draw me like one of your French girls” because there is lot of subtext in that. Also I love the bit where Jack and Rose are stand at front of boat and he is spread his arm wide and it is like they fly across ocean on wings of love. I try to re-enact scene with Sergei when I film dramatic ocean sequence in Journey of Courageousness, but he was not keen to do it.

  Second part of Orlov Family History Trilogy is The Battle of Fearlessness. It tell story of my Great Granddaddy Vitaly’s victory over the Mongolian mongoose, Mongis Khan.

  Film was shot on actual site of battle in the Ural Mountains and features genuine replica uniforms and flags paw-sewn by Sergei. I star as Great Granddaddy Captain Vitaly and Sergei plays his loyal Sergeant.

  I created these storyboards for help with filming The Journey of Courageousness . Each frame took three days to draw.

  I managed to write, act, direct, produce and get spa treatment all at same time. Sometimes I am amazing myself.

  Supporting cast includes brigade of brave meerkat soldiers who I borrow from local burrow and horde of authentic mongooses who I find skulking around bins behind 24-hour grub store. For my fur wound, Sergei make very realistic bloods with tomato sauce, which I later used in sandwich.

  For Part the Three we are in Moscow with The Streets of Ambitiousness. Here we are see the beginning of the Orlov family business empire. We film on Petrova Street – originals site of first comparethemeerkat.shop, but we make it look like it is long time ago using costumes and mud.

  For role of mischievous Urchinkat twins we cast actual pair of mischievous Urchinkat twins. I think they will go on to be famousness with this incredibles start to their career.

  I great enjoyed the process of movie making and, who know, when I have finally compare my last meerkat, maybe I will have career in Holly Woods. Not as glamorous as compare meerkats, but I would like to conquer rest of world with my actings, and put my star on the pavement.

  PS: When they make movie of my life, I would like Emilio Estevez play me, and Danny De Vito play Sergei. There is no negotiation on this.

  HERE is me on one of the grand staircases. Banisters are 405 feet long top to bottom. If properly varnish, I can slide whole thing in 17 seconds.

  CHAPTER The 15

  At Home

  ORLOV Family Mansion is many years ancient. But, as you remember, Great Uncle Ivan had lost it in game of baccarat and it became home to a pack of dirty muskrats. Fortunates, with my new wealthiness, I was able to buy it back and restore family honour. I also restore the carpets which were filthy.

  When it was mended, it was very excite day to enter the mansion for the first time. Right away I sent Sergei into attic for explore. It was trove of treasures. Sergei found: a box of fossilised scorpions, some mongoose fur slippers, my Great Granddaddy Vitaly’s battle fork, an old rocking wolf, a beautiful puppet theatre (complete with puppet people), a genuine antiquey Fabergé omelette and a family of sparrows who attacked Sergei with their beaks. He also discover world’s largest collection of balalaikas, which my Great Uncle Ivan used to play loud after comparing beetle juice liqueurs.
Sergei spent many hours dusting and cataloguing these treasures. It was messy business as treasures were cover in dust and old fleas, but at least that make him feel at home.

  Mansion Facts

  My home is a bit like English palace of Bucking Hams, only bigger. There are 58 staircases with 3,460 stairs and I estimate about one million door knobs.

  Every spring Sergei does the clean. It is no park walk. He gets through 5 mops, 12 brooms, 16 dusters, 4 vacuum cleaners and 6 box of dust allergy medicine.

  Quad is big enough for Moscow State Circus to do whole show. Best part is the trapeze swings, closely follow by the cannonball swallower.

  My cinema has its own reclining throne and popcockroach maker.

  My wardrobe is made from expensive wood. It contains many cravats made of purest silk from free-range silkworms. I also have some spun by specials Croatian glow-worms so I can find way to toilet at night.

  I own a falcon called Dmitri who nests in a dome on roof. He is well trained and can spot a mongoose at 1000 yard. (So, if you are mongoose, and you are read this in order make burglary, you have been warn.)

  Telescopeamabob in rooftop observatory can spy on all the planets. Sometimes I let Sergei use it for relive the old days.