A Simples Life: My Life and Times Read online

  THIS banner hangs on my wall at home. I have always try to live by the motto of the Meerkovo Home Guard.

  THIS is actual horn blown by Mongolian mongoose soldier. Do not put your lips on it as you are likely catch diseases.

  CHAPTER The 5

  The Battle

  IT last days of autumn and the day before they were due to leave for battle. Captain Vitaly took his loyal Sergeant Serge out for one last beetle juice liqueur. Serge didn’t really drink (it made him feel all peculiar), but he raised his glass bravely as his captain told him what was required of him on the battlefield: fresh scorpion on bed of parsley (served every morning in a silver platter), warm worm pudding and toasted cockroaches at snack times, and a fresh towel every day.

  The Meerkovo Home Guard (who, as Vitaly explain patiently to Serge, were responsible for guarding the home part of the mountains) set off in good heart singing, ‘They’ll be coming round the mountain then they’re doomed’ at the tops of their voices. Soon they were setting up camps and Great Granddaddy Vitaly allocated sentry and soup-makings duties. He always made sure his troop had plenty of maggot and millipede soup. Because, as a famous general had once say: “An army marches on its stomach.” Which actually sound very uncomfortables.

  They then waited and watched for many weeks. Sharp-sighted infantrykats were posted on the high ground keeping their eyes out and their nostrils peeled for mongoose scouts. Once, young Private Potemkin had fallen asleep at his post (history say he had enjoy too many cockroach ciders the night before). He was reported for courts martialling, but instead Captain Vitaly put him on beetle-peeling duties for the rest of the war. (He was kind-hearted and mercifuls, my Great Granddaddy.)

  Captain Vitaly rallied his meerkats. “Once more into your britches”.

  Early one morning, Vitaly was awaiting his breakfast. The snow was prickle his feets and his tail was awfully soggily. He sighed and watched his breath make weirdy creatures in the cold air.

  Suddenly, Sergeant Serge appeared from behind a tent.

  “Sir, mongoose army, in the valley,” he gasped, clutching his telescopeamabob.

  Somehow, a vast horde of mongooses had slipped through the front lines and was now marching on Meerkovo. At the head of them was none other than Mongis Khan himself. You could tell from the smell.

  Captain Vitaly rallied his meerkats. “Once more into your britches,” he cried, “stiff your haunches – do not let them smell your fear!”

  The mongooses outnumbered the meerkats 20–1 and out-stinked them at least 100– 1, but the troops took heart from Vitaly’s words. Sergeant Serge felt something stir in his haunches and decided it was courageousness. Together, they faced the mongoose charge.

  The battle lasted through the night. From the rear, Vitaly managed genius defence. At the front, brave meerkats did deadly claw-to-claw combat with the terrible mongooses. Serge himself saw off fifty-seven of the creatures (and a small bush after temporarily losing his glasses). By morning, Mongis Khan had turned tail. The horde was defeat.

  As the battlefield went quiet, Serge looked around and saw his Captain. Vitaly was lying on the ground, his blood staining the snow bright red.

  Serge lifted him in his arms (this was not easy after all the toasted cockroaches Vitaly had been having). Cradling his friend and Captain, Serge let out a mighty wail.

  This awoke Vitaly who was not dead but napping – it had been a long night. “Quiet down! It’s just a fur wound,” he said (in fact he had suffered minor accident with his scorpion-roasting fork). Serge wept with relief and said some things that he would later feel embarrassment about.

  THIS is big rescue scene from end of The Battle of Fearlessness . Sergei is acting emotionals, and I am genuine worried he will drop me.

  VITALY spent many week in St Vladimir Soldier Hospital. This chart reveal first hint of affections between him and my Great Grandmummy, Valentina.

  CHAPTER The 6

  A Hero

  IT was a giant-size victory for the Meerkovo Home Guard, but it had been hard won and there was lots of bloods. At camp, cheers of success was mix with groanings from the wounded. Vitaly agreed to seek treatment for his scratch at a soldier hospital in the woods. He allowed his loyal Sergeant to drag him there on a homemade sledge.

  At the hospital, Vitaly was nursed by a very beautifuls nurse called Valentina. Day after day she bathed his wound with aphid oil and told him how brave she thought he was. They became intimateness.

  One day a messenger arrived from the court of the Czar. As reward for his fearlessness, Czar Alexei the First (he was the ruler of all the Russias and very powerful) wished to present Vitaly with the Order of the Purple Claw, the most prestigious prize in Russia. He would also receive a great mansion-palace, built for him specials in his hometown.

  Suddenly Vitaly felt much better.

  He and Valentina and Sergeant Serge took the next convoy back to Meerkovo. There they discovered that the streets were full of cheering meerkats. They were overjoyousness at Vitaly’s victory, and that the stinky mongooses had been routed and generally beaten about. Vitaly and his fiancée Valentina sat on their sledge, making waves to the crowds as Serge hauled them up the road to the mansion palace. (Many times I like to re-enact this scene with Sergei pulling sledge along very long drive at Orlov family mansion. Is tiring for Sergei, but I tell him he like to be part of history.)

  It was a day of magnificence and much feasting was done.

  It was a day of magnificence and much feasting was done. Somewhere far away, Mongis Khan vowed to take revenge on the name Orlov.

  THIS is detail from famous Order of the Purple Claw. Now it sits on my desk for inspire my Great Granddaddy’s great-grandson Aleksandr, me.

  PART The 3

  THE STREETS OF AMBITIOUSNESS

  A hero image from the third and final film in the history trilogy. My Papa used to say his hat contain all his dreams, but really it contain snacks.

  HERE is my Great Granddaddy looking most handsomeness on his wedding day. The family resemblance is much commented upon. This was taken on one of the first ever picture-majigs.

  CHAPTER The 7

  Hard Times

  VITALY and Valentina’s wedding was the talk of Meerkovo. A famous chef from Moscow created a delectable feast of three thousand roast scorpion à l’orange, four thousand millipede thermidor, two thousand ladybird soufflé and five thousand termite tarts. This was all wash down with eight hundred bottles of pricey Shiraz Scarab Beetle Juice Liqueurs. The guests make a lot of noise and dance through the night.

  Afterwards, Vitaly and Valentina moved into new Orlov family mansion. It was very big and quickly became very full of fine furnitures (Valentina is no longer a nursekat, instead she is shoppingkat). For his walls, Vitaly commissioned many paintings of Orlov meerkats through the ages. These paintings become known as The Orlov Collection and are now famousness.

  Before long, Valentina heard the clitter clatter of little paws. She and Vitaly were delight when she give birth to twin boy meerpups. They are call Ivan and Grigory and they have as joyfulsome puphood as any pup could wish for – how could they not with all the Orlov family mansion as their playground?

  MY granddaddy Grigory and great uncle Ivan with their mama Valentina. This is last known photograph of Ivan before his is disappear in disgrace.

  Grigory was full of gratefulness and worked hard at school to make his parents proud.

  Ivan was different story. He did not share his brother’s sensibleness and would sneak out from school to visit the gambling dens of downtown Moscow. There he met seedy muskrats and played at cards with them. One day, after losing all his monies and both his boots, he bet the family mansion on his last claw of cards. He lost. (This is where the expression ‘never play baccarat with a muskrat’ is come from.)

  Overnight the Orlovs became poverty stricken. Vitaly, Valentina and Grigory left the family mansion with only what they could carry in a small cart: the famous Purple Claw, two souvenir bott
les of wedding beetle juice liqueur, some sea snake caviar and The Orlov Collection of meerkat paintings.

  They had a very loud wedding that could be heard all the way in Moscow.

  Ivan disappeared never to be seen of again. Some say he went about smuggling marmot pelts in Bulgaria. Others say he became a missionary monk and went off to convert the mongooses of Mongolia. Nobody know for sure.

  Meanwhile, the rest of family set off to find somewhere to live. Vitaly had braved ferocious battles without wobble, but now he is frightened. Eventually they came upon a humble gypsy camp hidden in countryside. It was very different living from what Vitaly and Valentina and Grigory were use to, but beggars cannot be choosings. The gypsykats happily accepted them and the Orlovs settled into a simples life of grub farming, dung dealings and gypsy merriment around the fire.

  One particular happiness was to come from this new life. While Grigory was out farming grubs, he met Anastasia, a glamoursome gypsykat. She was taking a dust bath when Grigory spied her through the bushes. He fall instantly heels over head in love. A few months later, Grigory asked her to marry him. He gave her a ring made of string and they had a very loud wedding that could be heard all the way in Moscow.

  Soon Anastasia had a pup, and they call him Anton. (This, of course, is excite for he is to be my Papa Anton. But for the moment he is just small pup.) His grandparents, Vitaly and Valentina, were prouder than a punch, for Anton was very handsome and has strong haunches.

  But this happiness was not last for long. In Moscow, a nasty faction of government meerkats had decide to rid the country of gypsy camps. The ‘Furry Terror’swept through the countrysides. Simples, hardworking gypsykats were forced from their homes and sent to ghettos in the city.

  Dreadfully, this was where my Great Granddaddy Vitaly and my Great Grandmummy Valentina met their ends. Grigory, Anastasia and little Anton wept for them in their tiny draughty apartment room.

  The ‘Furry Terror’swept through the countrysides.

  “NEVER play baccarat with a muskrat”. This painting from the time shows the kind of place where Ivan made his gambles.

  THE ghettos were horrid, and a very different fish of kettles after the Orlov family mansion.

  CHAPTER The 8

  Comparing Beginnings

  LIFE in the ghetto was horribles, but Grigory and Anastasia worked hard to provide for Anton.

  Always he sat in back row of class and threw ink pellets at the swot-kats in front row.

  They sent him to school where he studied English language and geography as well as Russian literature and mathematics. He was very talented (he is where I am comings from after all) but sometimes a bit lazy. Always he sat in back row of class and threw ink pellets at the swotkats in front row. One swotkat, who was called Stanislav, eventually asked Anton to make a deal. If he do Anton’s homework, will Anton stop throwing things at him? My Papa thought this was fair deal and they became friends.

  One day, Anton invite Stanislav back to his home. After they have had some ladybird tea and toasted maggots, they went exploring boxes. In one dusty box they discovered the many, many paintings of The Orlov Collection. Anton held them up for Stanislav (or Stan as Anton called him) and asked which one is better? Then it was Stan’s turn. They were very entertaining themselves and went on comparing meerkats until it was dark.

  Next day they skip school and spent whole day comparing. Then they did the same thing next day and the next day…and then they were caught. They were both put in detentions and told to write out ‘Comparing meerkats is not clever and it is not funny’ three hundred times. Grigory and Anastasia were furious.

  But Anton was determined to prove there was something in his comparings, so one day in the middle of the night he fill his bag with all the paintings and ran away from home to make name for himself comparing meerkats in Moscow markets. Stanislav was left to break news to Grigory and Anastasia. They were double furious.

  Anton was determined to prove there was something in his comparings.

  For support himself, Anton thought he would try entertaining. Performing in the middle of Red Square was magiciankat, the Great Furdini. He did terrifying things like pretend to cutting up young meerkats and making them disappear. Anton offered to be his assistance, but after three nights of having his whiskers nicked by throwing knives, he retire. He decided to pursue less scary career and went to the Hotel Sovieto Splendido around the corner and got job as disher washer. In the evenings he practised his comparing which left him exhaust during day. Eventually he was caught falling asleep in the soapy water and given sack and thrown out into Red Square. Lying with his whiskers in the gutter, he felt sadder and more useless than he had ever felt sad and useless in all his whole life. But just by his nose was the foot of a big meerkat with bad breath. He drag Anton to his feets and tells him it is his lucky day. Anton not feel lucky, but big whiskery meerkat told him he going to make him a star. Anton, with no better thing to do, followed him down the steps to a dark and smelly cavern.

  THIS is advertisement for my Papa’s first employer, Furdini the magiciankat. His signature illusion, The Underwater Paw-Cuff Escape, was the chatter of Moscow at the time.

  HERE is Papa Anton at height of his career. He has just land knockout blow on a mongoose.

  When he got there, he saw many meerkats in boxing rings, punching twenty-seven bells out of each other. It all look very violence. But the bad breath meerkat (who turned out to be Moscow’s most ruthless boxing promoter) told Anton that he was purpose builts for boxing.

  Before he knew it, Anton was getting ready for first fight – against Masher Egorov, the middleweight meerkat champion of Soviets. But not only did Anton avoid too much damage to his handsomeness, he knocked Masher clean out. This was beginning of Papa Anton’s next job, as professional boxerkat.

  It was a long way from his dream of professionally comparing meerkats but it kept the door from the wolf.

  HERE is selection of old painted portraits my Papa used to compare. Clockwise from top left: Factorykat; Boxerkat; Accordiankat; Hunterkat.

  CHAPTER The 9

  The Shop at Last

  BY now Anton was living in small bedsit and making a few more roubles because he was winning a lot of his boxings. It was hard work, and often he was bruised, but it was a living.

  One day there was knock on bedsit door. When he opened it, he saw a familiar bedraggly face. It was Stanislav. He had now finish school and had come to join his friend. Good old faithful Stanislav.

  Anton was very happy to see him, and together they decided that Anton must finish the boxings, and they must set out to make their fortune comparing meerkats.

  The next morning they loaded an old cart with as many meerkat paintings as they could carry and made their way to Moscow flea market (which, puzzlingly and disappointingly, was not actually a market for flea selling). Anton neatly arranged the portraits of Knightkat and Paintkat, and Soldierkat and Factorykat, and Stanislav got on a box with his speaking trumpet. They did not have success. Passer-bys could not work out what point of comparing meerkats was.

  Passer-bys could not work out what point of comparing meerkats was.

  “ALONG the street came Maxim Mandovich, Mayor of Moscow, and his beautiful daughter Valeria”

  Anton and Stanislav decided to swallow their prides and sight their aims lower. They bought up all the scruffy muskrat portraits they could find and made their way to the seedy back alleys. Throughout the nights, they would let dirty old muskrats compare creepy muskrat paintings. It was shameful time.

  During the days, they continued comparing meerkats in the market. They painted up the comparethemeerkat.cart and made purchase of a little pointer for better comparing. But it was hard work. And for a long time no one was take much notice.

  Then one day the crowds went quiet. Along the street came Maxim Mandovich, Mayor of Moscow, and his beautiful daughter Valeria. Anton looked at her and felt his insides go all wobbly. And when she stopped in front of the comp
arethemeerkat.cart, he thought he might faint. Gesturing with a silk-gloved claw, Valeria told Anton to hold up Soldierkat and Knightkat, two of the most handsome meerkats.

  Holding paintings in his shaky paws, Anton await Valeria’s verdict. Imagine his astonish when she said, “The one in the middle.” He was overcome with adorings. And this was the beginning of the big romance that led to my parents’ marriedness.

  After Valeria’s comparing, my Papa’s business went through the ceiling. Word of his comparings reached outside Moscow and the crowds came crowding in from miles around to see Anton and the faithful Stanislav compare meerkats. The two entrepreneurkats sold comparethemeerkat.cart and bought the first comparethemeerkat.shop. On the day it opened Anton’s parents, Grigory and Anastasia, came to visit. Grigory shook his son’s paw and Anastasia kissed him on the cheek. And my Papa got tears all over his new cravat.

  MY Papa was force to compare muskrats in order to make meet ends. Do not judge on him too harshly.