A Simples Life: My Life and Times Read online

  A Simples Life Aleksandr Orlov

  RUSSIA 2010

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  Epub ISBN 9781446406014

  First published in 2010 by Ebury Press, an imprint of Ebury Publishing

  A Random House Group company

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  This is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

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  For Mama and Papa

  CONTENTS

  Dedication

  A Message from the Author

  PART THE ONE: THE JOURNEY OF COURAGEOUSNESS

  CHAPTER 1: In the Beginning

  CHAPTER 2: Escape

  CHAPTER 3: Russia

  PART THE TWO: THE BATTLE OF FEARLESSNESS

  CHAPTER 4: An Old Foe

  CHAPTER 5: The Battle

  CHAPTER 6: A Hero

  PART THE THREE: THE STREETS OF AMBITIOUSNESS

  CHAPTER 7: Hard Times

  CHAPTER 8: Comparing Beginnings

  CHAPTER 9: The Shop at Last

  PART THE FOUR: ME

  CHAPTER 10: Early Days

  CHAPTER 11: Growing Up

  CHAPTER 12: Success (and also Sergei)

  PART THE FIVE: MY LIFE TODAY

  CHAPTER 13: Me on Screen

  CHAPTER 14: The Making of the Movies

  CHAPTER 15: At Home

  THE END

  APPENDIX: Comparing Meerkats

  POSTSCRIPT: From Sergei

  A MESSAGE FROM

  THE AUTHOR

  MY name is Aleksandr Orlov. I live and make my work in Meer-kovo, small village outside Moscow. I have a success business. I have a mansion decorate with many fine things. I have a naturally majestic posture. But I would have none of these things if it were not for my family. I come from long line of the most courageousness, fearlessness, ambitiousness meerkats you could know. This book is dedicate to them.

  In honour my ancestors, I also wish to inspire next generation of young businesskats. I am hope that this book will show what can come of courage, hard work and a good fur-care regime.

  I am also hope that with royalties I will be able to re-marble roof on Orlov family mansion.

  Special mention must go to Sergei, my head of IT. Without him this book would not have been written (because he record all my dictating on his cassette tape and spend all his holidays typing). Thank you, Sergei.

  PART The 1

  THE JOURNEY OF COURAGEOUSNESS

  KEFENTSE, as portrayed by extremely handsome actor in epic movie, The Journey of Courageousness . His faithful companion is in the background, as normals.

  SOME Juicy Grub tins from the old days. They are empty, but if you lick the inside you can still get the tangy taste of grub. And rust.

  CHAPTER The 1

  In the Beginning

  IN the beginning, my ancestors lived in Kalahari Desert in Africa. This is their story. It is full of endangerment and adventure, and complicated names, but I think you will be interest because it is, after all, where I am comings from.

  It was good living in the desert. My ancestors built big burrows in the orange sand, and furnished them with characteristic meerkat tastefulness.

  The days were long and hot. In mornings, when it was cooler, the meerkats would dig for grubs. In the afternoons, when it was hot and they were full of lunch, they would lie in the sun or take long, luxurious dust baths. (Just as I do now, although I prefer bubbles to dust.)

  HERE is picture from movie where Seri is being bamboozled by empty tin. Sergei play this scene well, he is good at being bamboozled by everything.

  On cold nights, the gang would gather round the fire and tell stories of courageousness. My ancestor, Kefentse Orlah and his loyal companion Seri (who was grey and bedraggly and full of fleas. Perhaps he remind you of someone?), were the most courageousness of them all. Kefentse would tell great stories of the dangers they had face. The meerpups would sit and listen with expression of wonderment. Seri would sit busy with his flea tweezers.

  The only ‘ointment in the flies’ was the neighbouring tribe of mongooses. They were always sneak into meerkat burrows late in night and make thieves of themselves. Also, on windy days, their stinkiness would get in everyone’s nostrils and make them feel sick.

  But not including the mongooses, my ancestors lived happy lives. Grubs were caught, and pups were born.

  Sometimes, when Kefentse would return from a hunt (with Seri laden up with scorpion) he would invite meerkats from miles around to join their feast. They would come with warm worm puddings and bottles of beetle juice. Together they would roast scorpions on the fire as the meerpups played on their burrow sleighs.

  On nights like this, Kefentse would look out across the plains and think: “Ours is a simples life. What could possibles go wrong?”

  Then, one fateful day, disaster struck.

  Having stirred from his burrow and done his sand bath exercises – sometimes his haunches could be stiffs in the morning - Kefentse went into the desert in search of fresh breakfast.

  Two hours later he had found nothing. This was a bamboozlement and totally unexpectedness. He looked out over the plain. The green shrubs which were dot all over the desert sands were now all grey and shrivelly.

  THIS is very old cave painting, as you can tell by how fadey it is. My ancestors would sit round fire singing the famous ‘Scorpion Toasting Song’ which has been hand down through many generation.

  It had been a hot summer. The air was dry and uncomfortabling. Kefentse had never known it to be like this. The hunger in his belly turned to worryness.

  That night, the meerkats sat around the fire and had discussion. There was no food. A great famine had come to the land, and the landscape was getting dryer and dryer. The situation was absolute serious. Each burrow had enough tinned grubs to last a month or two, but after that… who could know?

  Then one day, Kefentse awoke to an abominable discovery. Under cover of night-time, a mob of mongoose had crept into his burrow and thieved the last of his tinned grubs. This was typical mongoosery, but it was still nasty shock.

  Kefentse realised that he now had no choice but to leave to find foods. He had to find somewhere with wet
rains and plants, somewhere with grubs and cockroaches where he could bring up pups and make a whole new life.

  So Kefentse gathered all the belongings that Seri could carry and boarded up his burrow. The two brave meerkats said goodbye to their home and to their friends, waved a defiant two-claw salute in the direction of the stinky mongoose burrows and set off across the desert.

  THE two intrepid adventurers were scratched and tangled and weakened by the sandstorms. And always with the hunger grumbling at them.

  THIS genuine real sand from Kalahari. When I dip into jar with my claw, and breathe the air I feel connection with my ancestors and all they suffered. Sand also work as excellent exfoliant.

  CHAPTER The 2

  Escape

  THE meerkats walked for days and days. Between them they only had a few bags of beetle bits (plus not forget the fleas living in Seri’s fur, but they would be last resort) and some precious gemstones of Seri’s (which unfortunate were not edibles). The hunger grumble at them always. They invent new game, Eye Spy, to take their minds off it, but got stuck once they had done ‘S’ for ‘Sand’. Mostly they just walk in silence, dreaming of caramelised larvae.

  Some days the big orange sandstorms would sting their eyes and tangle up their fur. Other days, the quietness would boom in their ears and they would have to sing to keep from desert craziness.

  “We are doomed. Are we doomed?” Kefentse would say.

  “Yes, we are doomed.” Seri would reply.

  Then, one evening, after a long day’s walk, Kefentse looked up to the sky and saw a cloud that looked like a meerkat’s claw. Seri thought it looked more like a weird shoe, but Kefentse took it as a sign of good bodings.

  Then everything in the distance got wobbly. Kefentse thought he might be seeing mirage. Seri thought he was having one of his funny turns. (He had delicate stomach, and often felt nauseous. Sergei like this, too. He often nause.) But as they got nearer, they see wobbly thing was the sea.

  There seemed to be a small town near the shore. The meerkats hurried towards it, imagining all sorts of delightfulness. But when they got there it was very empty. Shack after shack was abandon. It was look like a ghost town in classic Wild West film (except they didn’t know that, as films had not been invent yet).

  Then they get to shack with a sign over it. It say ‘The Queasy Mongoose Tavern’. Outside, an old muskrat suck on a clay pipe. They could smell his musk from where they stood.

  The muskrat said he knew of beautiful far-off land full of grubs and beetles and grasshoppers. The land of Bermudas. He said he could sell them map and a boat to take them there. The meerkats thanked him and Seri generously donated his treasured collection of desert gemstones as payment.

  The next morning they go to see the muskrat’s ship. Kefentse thought it looked very ‘rotty’ with its sails full of hole and patch. But they took the map and with great courageousness stepped on board. Soon the ship, which they named ‘The Courageousness’, was full of sail. The meerkats looked at map. It was totally puzzlements, but soon Seri thought he had plotted course to Bermudas.

  THIS is exact model replica of ‘The Courageousness’, It took Sergei three weeks and approximate a million matchsticks to build.

  After many week, they began to think something was probables wrong.

  After many week, they began to think something was probables wrong. It was getting very cold and still no land.

  There were some old ship’s biscuits in bottom of boat. Sometimes they found maggots in them, but mostly they were not that lucky. Seri often had one of his turns; he found the motion of the boat very upset and many time he had to pretend he search for meermaids as he lean over side of boat for hours. (This just like Sergei too. He bad sailor and have to lean over side of Orlov family yacht every time we go sail.)

  MONGOOSE pirates have been romanticised in adventure books, but they are wicked creatures and not to be admired.

  One Wednesday (they did not know which one) Kefentse was awoke by gigantic bang. There was huge ship with skull and crossbones waving at its mast, and mob of snarly creatures waving cutlasses on the decks. “Mongoose pirates”, Kefentse thought. He had heard tell of these seafaring mongooses. They would surely board ‘The Courageousness’…and then who knows what? He might be kill, or worse, made to be mongoose slave. Just then, Seri poke his head up. On seeing his mangy frame and bleary eyes, the pirates went all quiet. Quick as flash, Kefentse shouted out that the mongooses could come aboard if they didn’t mind about Seri’s plague. With good timing, Seri made a disgustable splutter - this was really just down to his allergies but the mongoose pirates thought a terrible plague had infected ‘The Courageousness’. They turned tail and fled away. And the meerkats lived to float another day.

  One month later, after many more days of mumbling sea shanties and picking at splinters, they were still floating. And they still not know where they were.

  Then one day there was crunching noise. They were going aground. It was end of the ocean! They climbed slowly out of boat and crawl up the shore….

  KEFENTSE kept a journal while he was at sea. It give shocksome insight into his fragile state of mind.

  WHEN my ancestors arrive in Russia they were freeze, and after very hot Kalahari, they need to keep neck warm. This very first cravat made from scrap of sail. Later they were made of Pavlov Posid Russian silk. (Very expensive. I have 438 of them.)

  CHAPTER The 3

  Russia

  “RUSSIA!?”

  The word was echo around the big icy bay that ‘The Courageousness’ had landed in.

  “Yes, Russia,” Seri replied.

  The map was mostly nonsense, but the sensible bits and the time they had been at sea made Seri conclude that they had landed in Russia. He was right.

  Kefentse stood swaying in the wind. He was soggy and cold and very hungry. If he had given up it would have been understandables.

  But Kefentse did not give up. He just tore a strip from the ship’s sail and wrapped it round his neck for warm. Thus was the first ancestral cravat born. (And you thought it was just for stylishness.) Then he stiffened his bristles and set off into the shivery unknown.

  He made it only nine steps into shivery unknown before giving up and collapsing on the soft, wet snow. Luckily, Seri (who was more energised thanks to his personal lice supplies) was able to drag Kefentse to the shelter of a cave on beach. There they rested. For next few days, Seri gathered what foods he could (mostly roots and the odd woodlouse) and Kefentse made battle with a frightful fever.

  One time, Seri encounter family of marmots. He could not understand their language, but with paw gestures he asked for food. The marmots, being a kindful and generous species, were happy to assistance him and Seri returned to the cave carrying enormous bucket of millipede goulash.

  THIS is the nonsense map used by my ancestors showing route to Bermudas. Think of loss to Russia if it had been accurates.

  THESE are snow shoes for separating the snow from the shoes. They are not actually the ones my ancestors used, but they could have been.

  PART The 2

  THE BATTLE OF FEARLESSNESS

  HERE is me in second epic movie. I was having bad fur day for this take, but we fixed in post-production.

  A history picture of Mongis Khan, leader of the Mongolian mongooses. I think you agree, he look very pungent indeed.

  CHAPTER The 4

  An Old Foe

  TIME passed. And, eventually, so did Kefentse and Seri. Their sons and daughters grew and had sons and daughters of their own. Grubs were harvested and feasts were had. They had escaped the hardship of the Kalahari.

  But they could not escape the mongoose.

  Around the middle bit of the 1800s, nervous words spread across the land. A horde of Mongolian mongooses had been spotted swarming across the Russian steppes. These mongooses were bigger and worser than their African cousins. And their leader, Mongis Khan, was said to be the biggest and the worsest of them all. He stood at almost 5 fe
ets, they said, and his claws were sharp as razor knives, and his stink…was unspeakable. He was determined on total conquerment and had, so far, stamped on any creature who had stepped in his path. (All this is told in my Great Uncle Vassily’s forty-one volume History of the Mongoose Wars. I have copy on audio-cassette, it make for many hundred hours of fascinating listening.)

  Vitaly had flat paws so had to settle for the Meerkovo Home Guard.

  At this time, the head of Orlov family was Kefentse’s Great Grandson, Vitaly. (If you are paying attention, you know he is my Great Granddaddy, although he not know it yet.)

  Vitaly was fearlessness. He would think nothings of taking on all a whole mob of mongooses with only a sickle and a hammer to defend himself with. Ever since a pup, he had dreamed to join the 5th Battalion of the Royal Meerkat Dragoon Guard, the most fearlessness battalion in all of the meerkat military. However, unfortunates, Vitaly had flat paws so did not pass physical examination and had to settle for the Meerkovo Home Guard.